Are you there God? It’s me Faith

I used to write all the time. I look back and I don’t know where all the time has gone. And for warning, I’m not sure how long this will be but I feel it on my heart that this is for somebody. 

Have you ever found yourself in a season where you feel like God is hearing everyone else’s prayers but yours? I know God loves me. And I’m so thankful and blessed getting to watch God move in people’s lives around me. But I have found myself telling my close friends about me feeling that way with tears streaming down my face. If you are feeling that way right now, let me wrap you in a warm embrace and virtually hug you and say,”me too.” 

I’ve thought to myself, “God I am trying to do the right thing. I am trying to stay in Your word. I am trying to keep You first in my life. -even doing things that I don’t want to do but I know You are asking me to. Why is this so hard? Where are You. I want to want what you want for me, and God if what I'm wanting is not what you have for me, change my desires. Make my desires what You desire. Jesus, just help me.  ” 

I have found myself LOVING to read as an adult. A book I’m currently reading said,”whenever we are waiting on God, we are actually waiting with God.” And that was so comforting to me. 

So if you feel right now that God isn’t hearing you and feel that God has forgotten you- let me reassure you that He loves you so much. In the waiting He is working. He’s not a genie and He doesn’t always give us what we want, but He does give us what we need. It doesn’t always look like what we pictured. He loves us too much to always give us what we want. He’s right next to you. Don’t grow impatient. Be thankful for the closed doors and prayers not answered the way you wanted. He has a plan, His will, His way. 

“People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭30‬:‭ 19-21‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Search Me, O God, And Know My Heart

I’ve caught myself re-reading Psalm 139. 

This chapter as a whole displays God’s heart to us in such a beautiful way. I write in my Bible a lot and I circle different parts that stand out to me. A part I circled was “…even there your hand shall lead me…” in verse 10. He knows every situation we’re in (good and bad). He knows our thoughts, heart, and He knows what we’re about to say before we even say it. That is so comforting. 

He knows. 

And even there, in that situation that you may not want to be in, whether that be physically, emotionally, or mentally- He knows and He is there with you. He sympathizes with us. He understands. He cares. 

Another couple verses that has specifically stood out to me are,

   ”Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there by any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Psalm 139:23-24 

I have made a conscious effort, and personal goal, to be mindful of my words. I think it’s easy to be upset and frustrated about things and speak out of hurt. (We are all guilty of that). But, words can never be taken back. Our words we speak show what is going on in our heart. 

“…for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45 

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Proverbs 18:21

A good friend of mine and I were talking yesterday, and we were discussing about being more mindful of things and holding each other accountable with things in life. I thinks it’s easy to be upset about things and try to find people who agree with us-even when we’re in the wrong on things. 

My prayer for my life is to surround myself with those who will hold me accountable and love me enough to be honest with me with truth even if it’s not what I want to hear. I pray God helps me have eyes to see people the way He does and a heart to love those as He does and extend grace- even to people who are unkind. To give me a forgiving heart. To speak life, use my words to build others up. To not be so quick to be angry and to be quick to listen and to be understanding. 

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” Luke 6:27-29

07.16.2022

 Here lately, I felt like I have constantly been going through the motions. I do not feel like me at all. I am so burnt out. The simple responsibilities for each day have felt so hard. The busyness of life is so exhausting!

 Anyone else feel like that lately?

 I feel numb about everything. My mind has been a constant warzone and I can not even think straight. 

I have so much to do. Due dates are staring me down. I can not find the energy. I want to sleep. I want to curl in a ball and cry. 

I am being pulled in a thousand different directions. I don't seem to know how to tell people no. 

I've been irritable. 

Thinking about the future makes me want to cry and brings even more anxiety into the mix of it all.

I'm tired. I just want a good night's rest where I sleep...through the entire night. 

Isn't this how the devil wants us to feel, though?? Constantly on Edge.

I'm getting gray hairs and I am not even 30 yet!

Jesus take the wheel literally because I can't handle it.

My counselor told me some of the best advice. It has stuck to me and ever since she told me, everything in my mind clicked. 

Our lives are meant to be like a scroll laid before us and it should unravel each day. Maybe that's why I get extremely overwhelmed and anxious when I think about my future-because I am not supposed to know. I can not sit here and tell you where I will be in the next 5 years. I have no idea. I have so much comfort in telling you that I HAVE NO IDEA. And I am so happy with that. I will be wherever God has me with who He has me with. I love that. It doesn't seem so scary that He is already there no matter what my tomorrows hold. I take each day as it comes. That is literally all I can do or I find myself going crazy. 

Another thing I have noticed, I have to set boundaries. These are for your protection and those around you. It is NECESSARY! It may make people uncomfortable. Those are not your people.

-These are my boundaries. This is what I am okay with. This is what I am not okay with. OR being honest when you are not in a good head space. I have had to tell people before when I have not been in a good head space to handle something or when I have had an off day- Your people will understand! 

These are things I have learned that have helped me. I don't know where you are. But my mind has been all over the place lately. I pray wherever you are at in your life that God gives you the strength to push through your hard days. Your best is always enough. You're not stuck. It may feel that way right now, but I assure you, you're not. One day at a time. One hour, one minute. Take each day as it comes. It won't always feel this way. 

Hey God, me again.

Hey God, it’s me again. 

Remember that thing I put at Your feet and picked up…again?

It’s so heavy. I didn’t mean to take it from you. I really didn’t. But in my human nature, I started worrying again. Analyzing. The what ifs got to me. Again.

Why am I like this?

Why do I keep picking it up? 

Worrying only robs me of today. A day I’ll never get back.

Even when, I can’t see it You are working. There’s so much more, that I can’t see from where I’m standing. Even if, You are still good. He still has plans for me. He loves me. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. A lot of times. 

God, I know everything I get so overwhelmed with is so much better in Your hands than in mine. 

Sometimes with how much I worry, I question my faith. But then I remember there’s so many people in the Bible just like me. 

There’s so many Bible, just like me, that with You by their side overcame. 

I believe with my whole heart He’s going to help me. And you too. 

So here I am, laying this at your feet, again. And I’ll keep re-laying it down, as many times as it takes. 

Me too, Martha

I’ve been reading through the book of Luke. This morning, the section of Mary and Martha stood out to me. I attached the scripture to this post so you could read it.

I have never in my life related to someone in the Bible as much as I did reading about Martha. 

“But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken from her.” Luke 10:41-42

Instead of running around like a chicken with her head cut off, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to His teaching. When I read that, I just thought to myself, “I would love to sit at His feet and do that.” And then it dawned on me, we still can.

Serving others as followers of Jesus is what we do! It’s part of our calling! But we have to make sure that we don’t get so caught up in doing, that we forget to spend time with our maker. I am so guilty of this. 

I need that time with Jesus. I want to hear His voice. I want and need that relationship with Him. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful day today. It’s Friday!! You are so loved. 

Accountability.

 Well, this is a first. 2 writings in one day! This is something that has been heavy on my mind lately, and I have been struggling on how to put it into words. I trust God will help me find the words as I keep typing. Something that really bothers me is when people, me included play the "blame game." I think it's about time we stop blaming EVERY bad thing in our life on the devil. He really does not deserve that much credit. He sucks. Or even yelling at God blaming Him, and demanding Him to tell you why He allowed the pain. Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives are the result of our own choices. I will agree that there is so much bad that goes on in this world that people just do not deserve. We live in a broken world and I hate all the pain people experience. BUT sometimes our own pain is from the choice we make- willingly and sometimes not meaning to. I pray that God helps you through it, even if it was the consequence of your choice. I say all of that, but I want you to know I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to tell you, stop playing the blame game. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Understand that everyone makes mistakes. The only perfect person that ever walked the earth died for me and for you. And no matter what you've done, God can use even this. Learn from it. I pray God gives you clarity and discernment. I have made so many choices that caused so much heartache. I would not wish that kind of pain on anyone but thank God He brought me here. I would not be who I am today, if I was not who I was then. He does change hearts, He is able. And honestly, it's in our pain that brings us so much closer to God. Sometimes we only learn through suffering. I know, sounds messed up. But, it's in that time of our lives, that we stop long enough to truly listen to God and we see how much He truly does love us. I remember driving home, absolutely bawling my eyes out and  SCREAMING at God and saying,"If this was your way of getting me close to you, it's really messed up." Do I still feel that way? At times I do. But I know God too well to know, that He will do whatever it takes to keep me close to Him. He loves me too much to let me live a life without Him. And He will use even my own poor choices to bring me back to Him. 

If you're reading this, read the story of the Prodigal's Son. 

No matter what you've done, just come home

Be a good memory

I shouldn’t have drank a large coffee before bed, but here I am. Haha 

I’m so big on this. None of us are promised tomorrow. One of my favorite scriptures is “Today is the day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24 

It’s so easy to lose sight of the good in each day sometimes, especially on stressful days. God, HOW on earth do I find joy with all this in my life going on? Thank God I don’t have to rely on my own strength. 

I choose to find the good in each day. Sometimes I don’t do a good job of that. A lot of times actually. I’m thankful for the ones that God has given me in my life to redirect my focus. 

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 

When I take my eyes off God, I can be grumpy and not show the love people deserve. Sometimes I don’t get to choose my circumstances, but I do get to choose whether or not I’m kind. 

I’m not on earth for my job, my education, or for my own personal gains. I’m on earth to love and show others God’s  love. Everything else comes after. 

I like me a lot better with Jesus. And my only accomplishment I’m concerned with is that I love well. Always always leave people better than you found them.

Let’s get vulnerable

I feel like most would say I’m generally a happy person. And I’d probably agree. Putting on a happy face for others is easy for me.  I feel like I had finally got to a point where I had conquered a lot of anxiety I had so badly struggled with. But then life got heavy all over again. I internalized everything around me. Stress got so overwhelming I wasn’t eating. Someone who struggles to gain weight, lost nearly 10 pounds in about 2 weeks. Panic attacks were becoming very often. Dry heaving driving the whole hour to work because my new medicine made me so sick. What were normal things for me became paralyzing. As if matters couldn’t get worse, I was watching someone I love die. Regret fills my mind. And I am in a relapse of everything I thought was over. In all the mess, without even realizing it, God got the back burner. 

I found myself screaming and begging God to help my unbelief. God, where are you? How did I get like this? I know you’re real, help me please. I can’t do this. Why do we all even have to be here? Why do we have to deal with losing those we love? Why can’t we all just be in heaven with you and skip all this? This SUCKS. I know I have so many people who love me and are there around me but I still I feel so alone. I don’t even know why I feel like this and why I feel everything so hard. 

I may not know what you’re going through. But I want to wrap you in a warm embrace and just whisper to you, “me too.” I know the devil wants you to feel alone. I want to encourage you to keep going. I know this is hard. One step at a time, one day at a time. Even in my breakdowns, He was still there. He was holding me and I didn’t even realize it. He’s there with you too. Please don’t lose hope.

If you were looking for a sign to keep going, this is it.

Notes from my Bible

“ I’m better on my knees than my fist at Heaven..Even here, I will see a victory” 

“I can not be mad at the only one who can fix what is broke.”

“Sometimes God’s favor is you being light in a dark place.”

“God, things have never been worse.” “Yeah but spiritually you’ve never been better”

“God, I’ve never been in this much pain” “yeah, but you’ve never been in this much prayer” 

“..don’t mismanage your circumstance” 

“God, I didn’t see this coming, I don’t like it. I didn’t see this coming, but if you want me to experience it, I’m ready.”

today

 Be kind to yourself today.

There are so many things you don’t talk about. There’s feelings that you push under the rug. 

Be gentle with yourself. 

You’re doing the best you can, even if that means just getting out of the bed. Go at your own pace. 

You’re allowed to feel what you feel. It’s okay to be sad, just don’t stay there.

Be patient with yourself, baby steps are still steps.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know right now that you may only see darkness, but God is reaching out His hand for you to grab.

God didn’t bring you this far to leave you. 

Hard times come to everyone’s door. It comes knocking, invites itself in. It comes and it wrecks you. It’ll overstay when no one even welcomed it in.

But God can use it. What the devil meant for evil God will use for good. And sometimes, it wasn’t the devil causing the hard time.

God allows hurt, pain, hard times, suffering-He uses those seasons in our lives-no it is not comfortable or something we willing want to experience- but He uses it for our own good. He is molding us more like Him. There are certain things we have to experience in our lives, that will make us change where we wouldn’t have otherwise. Sometimes we don’t learn just through reading the Bible. We learn faith by practicing it- not just reading out about. Sometimes we can only truly learn and trust God through the vehicle of suffering. 

God is not a mean God and He doesn’t want you sad. But He does want you to fully rely on Him. Not on  things and people of this world that is temporary.  The Bible tells us that Jesus suffered and we will too. 

But, take heart-Jesus has overcome this world. What you’re feeling won’t last. After a rain, there’s a rainbow. Storms only last so long. But we determine how long we stay in it. Trust God to mend those hurts. He will use even this, for His glory. Maybe someone else will face what you are currently facing and will need someone like you to help them through it. Be patient with yourself, after all He is patient with you too. He loves you and so do I. 

So for now, if all you can do is cry and scream- and you can’t even get words out to pray-know that He hears those prayers too. Keep taking it one day at a time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

One day you will tell the story of how God brought you through this. Today may not be that day, and that’s okay- but it’s coming.

Believe that there are better days ahead. Hold on to hope and faith. Cling to His garment. With Him, you can always face hard things and know He will lead you through it.

With love, 

Your sister in Christ

October 24,2020

I take a step back and look at my life at how I thought it should be. I look at how my flesh wished it would’ve been.  I wanted to be this age, with *enter materialistic thing here*. We all have our materialistic accomplishment. I have many things I wanted by a certain age. Growing up, I wanted to be 25, DONE with school (LOL), married, maybe kids, being a Sunday school teacher,  have cute little farm house that needs to be fixed up, I wanted my wedding to be with my closest friends and family there- with a mechanical bull. (This is my Dream I can have a mechanical bull if I want. Which I will have at my real wedding) I look at my life, and how you orchestrate everything so perfectly. I look at how everything I’ve been through that has led me to this point. This point where I’m done making a timeline of how I THINK my life should be. I’m done setting unrealistic standards for myself. Im done comparing my life to others. Others who seem to have it all together- (ps they don’t have it together) I’m finally at a place where I’m okay with however my life turns out. I’m confident that whatever you have planned for my life will surpass anything I could ever dream of. I know that your ways are good. I’m embracing this season that I originally looked at as a burden. Some days it still is a burden and I’m ready to scream. I can scream and cry and throw a fit if I want to, which only prolongs the process and makes me stay here longer OR I can change my perspective. I pray that God gives me a faith that is not contingent upon circumstances. I can remember that even when I can’t see it, you’re working. - and when I think that way, I can be content in where I am now. With being content, I can have joy and choose happiness- with excitement of what you have in store for me. - I’m still learning to be still. 

Obedience.

Obedience. A word that keeps popping up randomly throughout my reading, listening to sermons, or even just listening to others talk to me. If I’m being honest, a word that can make me uncomfortable and defensive at times. Choosing to make the decision to fight what my flesh and emotions truly want. It’s a constant battle to not react on my emotions. Doing the opposite of what my emotions tell me is honestly one of the hardest things to do, especially with me being the one who wears her heart on her sleeve constantly. “Hello nice to meet you! My name is Faith. You now have a piece of my heart” Is basically how I’m wired. I’m wired to love. I love to love. But sometimes my emotions are deceitful. Sometimes acting on emotions will allow me to step out of God’s will. I notice the second I take my eyes off God, I’m back to wanting an easy fix. I find myself doing what I hate. Romans 7:15 states,”For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Man is that true. God got me right at the heart strings. This is why it’s so important we make quiet times with God a priority. You see, I’m not born wanting to do the right thing. Naturally, I’m quick to act off selfish desires and wants. Regardless of the consequence that follows. By God’s grace and forgiveness, He saves me from myself. It’s in the stillness that we hear Him. The more time I spend with Him, He changes my heart to desire what He desires. It’s in the times when we fix our eyes on Him that walking in obedience isn’t so much a chore. I want to be at the point where I reach to God as fast as I do to my phone to call someone. One of my mentors told me that walking in obedience with God, the emotions for that will come. At first it’s an up hill battle, but now thanks to my sweet friend reminding me- I get to talk to Him, I get to walk with Him. Y’all I fail Him so much and He still chooses me. He still chooses you. It’s a hard road walking with Him. I’m not going to tell you it’s full of rainbows and butterflies, but it’s an up hill battle. And sometimes it’s hard and I want to throw in the towel. But y’all the view you see when you get there. There’s molding in the uphill trench. There’s perspectives being changed. There’s hearts being changed. There’s wisdom. There’s healing being made. There’s seeds being planted. Keep going. I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I encourage you to pause for the cause before allowing your emotions to be your first reaction to situations. Be slow to speak, quick to listen. It’s easy to jump the gun. Is what you’re upset about initially, worth saying something about or did you take it the wrong way because you had a bad day? I pray that you’re encouraged today. I pray you know how valuable you are and even if you’ve gone off track that God can meet you there and restore. He’s able. All you have to do is make the first step. Have a great day today, friends! It’s a good day to have a good day. 

Agape

Agape is defined as,”unconditional love, the highest form of love.” God’s kind of love. A love that doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone off track, I still choose you. I think about how many times I fail God and He still chooses to love me anyway. Love is definitely a choice. On my worst day, God still chooses to love me. And the closer we get to God we get to show His love to others. I pray that God gives me a heart for those that need a little extra love on their worst day. The thing is, with God, there are no conditions when it comes to His love. I don’t have to have it all together for Him to still love me. And as Christians, we should have our arms always open for someone who needs that encouragement and love, without conditions attached. When I think I about my whole reason for being placed on this earth, it’s to love. My identity is not in my job, or school, or anything of that sort-it’s to spread God’s love. Especially in this world we live in today. 

...

“So that is why I will always ask you to be real with me and not perfect. I do not want your mask. Instead, tell me about your nightmares, the memories that scream you awake, and I will love you there. Tell me about your childhood and the things you are still healing from, and I will love you there. Tell me about the parts of yourself you cannot look at without flinching, the parts of yourself you are ashamed of, the mistakes that are dotted like museum exhibits along the corridor of your spine, and I will love you there. I do not need for you to be perpetually light filled and soft for me. That is all pretend. Just come to me as you are, and I will love you as you are. I will love you in each season.”

God, this is hard.

Sometimes this is the reality of being a follower of Jesus- actually a lot of times. It’s sometimes questioning if He’s even heard you but trusting that even in the anxiousness of our thoughts still having the faith that He will come through even if it doesn’t make sense. It’s trying to do the right thing and still feeling like you can’t win for losing. It’s the times where you feel like the whole world is against you and you’re crying and saying,”God I’ve been faithful and I’m still trying to be, but this, this is hard.” It’s choosing to be obedient when everyone around you doesn’t understand and thinks you’re crazy. It’s choosing to love when someone is being unkind. It’s choosing to show grace when others say someone is undeserving. Following Jesus it’s not always easy. It’s actually not easy at all especially in the world we live in. It’s messing up and dusting yourself off in God’s love and trying again. The reality is, it’s hard. Satan knows when you’re valuable in the kingdom. He tries harder to make life difficult. But we serve a God who’s mightier, stronger, and so loving. He still chooses us when we are undeserving. He still tells me that I’m worthy of love no matter how much I fail Him. Even though some days are really hard, and this is my reality sometimes- I can rejoice even on days like this. Life will always be messy, my God loves me amongst my mess. Nothing is too messy for Him. “For you are making me like you, clothing me in white. Bringing beauty for ashes. For you will have your bride.” 

Dear person behind me

Dear person behind me, 

I understand that all of our walks of life look different. I know sometimes it seems like we’re dealt the most unfair cards, and sometimes it’s your whole life that seems like it’s one negative thing after the next. I understand that I don’t understand what you’ve been through. I know there’s some days that you feel like you’ve barely made it through. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not have it even slightly figured out. And I understand no matter how much you try do right, sometimes you still can’t win for losin. But, I have some good news for you. 

Dear person behind me,

I want you to know, despite what you’ve been through and what you’ve done, how much you are loved, and if you don’t feel like you’re loved, I love you. Life is full of rejections. And I want you to know, Jesus doesn’t reject you. In fact, He chooses you, even in your broken state. And you know what? We’re all broken. I am broken. The people who seem like they have all together, they don’t. We allow people to see what we want them to see. And you may not understand Jesus’s love for you but He loves you too. My prayer is that He constantly teaches me to love people. I don’t have to know you personally to love you, the fact that Jesus loves you is enough for me to love you. I promise you that everything you’ve been through is your testimony and Jesus can meet you where you are. I don’t have the answers as to why you’ve been through things, but I know that Jesus can deliver you and make your heart whole again. I may not know what you need, and you may not know either, but Jesus does. 

Dear person behind me, 

No matter what you’ve done, you’re still worthy. Jesus calls you chosen. He calls you child. You are forgiven. He loves you. I may have not have been through what you have but I still have my struggles too. Big or small struggles Jesus wants to help you through it all. Not too long ago, I found myself weeping at the altar. Momma Mel looked at my tear filled eyes and I heard Jesus speak straight through her, she said,” Faith look at me, YOU are enough. Do you hear me? YOU are enough.” That’s something I had never shared with her, but had struggled with for years. And I’m here to tell you, that you are enough too. Even on your worst day, you’re still more than enough. Jesus will fill all those holes and spaces. There’s nothing in this world that can fill that. People chase things that are so temporary trying to fill that hurt that only Jesus can fill. 

Dear person behind me, 

Let Jesus be your peace. Things may be hard right now. But I promise you, they will get better. If no one tells you today, I want you to know you’re loved. And you’re worthy of love. You’re not overlooked. Today will be a great day, and if it’s not, tomorrow is a new day and there’s plenty of opportunities for something good to happen. 

Dear God, I pray that the person reading this just knows how special they are. And if they don’t, I pray you place people in their path to remind them. This world is so full of negative, remind them of the good. Remind them that you are good. Apart from you, we have no good thing. I pray that you fill them with your love. I pray you meet them in their mess and their storm. I pray you take their hand and guide them. I pray you fill them with your peace and comfort. Lord, I pray that if what you need is for us to go through storms, that you give us an understanding heart that you’re trying to teach us something. Change our hearts and our perspective. You’re not trying to be mean or hurt us, but that it’s a lesson we need to learn. You’re the teacher. You’re the healer. I pray you make hearts whole again. I pray you fight for our hearts when we forget how to fight. I pray you help us seek you and not other things that leave us feeling empty. Thank you for the good and bad we experience, I pray you use it all for your glory. Amen. 

It’s not over, keep going. 

With love,

The person in front of you 

This Season

Y’ALL this book I’m reading stepped on every single one of my toes-yes even the pinky toe. A lot of people give the advice,”God won’t give you more than you can handle.” I have even told people that. Well that is not true. God does give us more than we can handle. Look at the whole book of Job. God literally allowed everything to happen to that man except death. (If you haven’t read about Job, I highly suggest reading it)God allows things in our lives to lead us closer. Not because he doesn’t love us but because it brings us back to him. He loves us so that he will allow you to go through things that give you no choice but to look to him. In this same book I’m reading and a sermon I listened to recently gave me the same message. (I guess God wanted me to hear it twice, I’m not mad about it.) He will allow us to get in situations without giving us all the details. In the book of exodus there was a story about God leading people to the promise land. BUT (plot twist, cue suspense music-) he didn’t lead them the short route, he lead them the long way. God apparently likes backroads too. He knew that if they would’ve gone the shorter way, they would’ve faced battle and backed out. On the detour, they were too deep in where they were to back out. But, they have to fully rely on God to provide. Those seasons of life are so necessary. In those moments God is preparing your heart. If your heart isn’t ready, what is supposed to a blessing in your life can seem like a curse. He allows seasons in our life where we have to go day by day relying on him just to get through a full 24hours. Some of my favorite things I heard listening to the sermon was “ God things have never been worse, and God says ‘yeah but spiritually you’ve never been better.’” “God I’ve never been in this much pain”, and God says,”yeah but you’ve never been in this much prayer.” All of that to say, God WILL give you more than you can handle. Not because he’s trying to hurt you, but He needs you go through certain things in life so you rely on Him and because where he’s taking you in life, he needs your heart to be in the right place. If you’re in that season right now (because same), this is not permanent. This season is temporary. The anxiety, the pain, the frustration, all of it. But, change your attitude. How long you stay in this season, is up to you. The ones on the way to the promise land didn’t have to stay in the desert for 40 years. You don’t have to stay in this season forever but how you manage the time you’re in this season is up to you. Ask God to change your heart, and embrace this season. He loves us and saves us from ourselves.( I’m no bible scholar and I’m still learning along the way. )

I don’t want to be called a “Christian”

I don’t want to be called a “Christian.” I feel like people use that so loosely. They throw it around like a lot of words that have so much meaning behind them, like the words,”love” and “hate.”  I know a lot of people in my life who want nothing to do with God because of how other people have portrayed God out to be. That affects their life eternally. Being a follower of God changes how you see everything in life. By no means do you live a perfect life but it changes you from the inside out. I pray that God shows me how he sees his people. I pray he teaches me how to love like he does. I pray he that he helps me serve the people who have hurt me and changes my heart. I want to show the world his kindness through my life. I’m reading this book right now and it talks about how God sees us naked- he sees all of our sins, and us for who are. He hears all of our thoughts and he knows what’s on our heart- all the ugly parts and he still loves us anyway. It says,” if we were together right now, I’d turn to you, with tears of true understanding, and whisper, ‘who told you you were naked? Who told you that you are anything less than a most glorious creation of the Almighty God? ‘Who spoke words over you and about you that stripped you bare and broke your heart?’” You see Adam and Eve didn’t know they were naked until they were deceived by the devil. And the devil will speak lies over you and make you believe and things about yourself that aren’t true. And the book talks about how you think these negative thoughts about yourself, and people who are also broken, will speak those things to you and you believe them. And some of these people are people who claim to be Christians. I know in my life I’ve been one of those people and I will continue to mess up. I pray that God works on me and that he helps me be more careful with my words and actions. I pray that to those I’ve hurt and didn’t show Jesus that they forgive me . People who follow Jesus are just as broken as people who don’t. But the difference is that Jesus gives us hope. I pray that I’m able to give others the same tenderness that he’s shown me. To help others see the difference. I want to be a light in this world for him. I don’t believe that I was put on this earth for me but for others. Even though that I’m in school to pursue my dream to be a dental hygienist, that is not the calling on my life. My calling is to love others and show them God’s love. We live in a cruel, sin-filled world. Full of hatred in all forms. We’re called to be different. We’re called to stand out and remind this world of Jesus. Even if I have everything I want but I don’t have Jesus, I have nothing. I don’t want to be just someone that says I’m a Christian. I want to be a true follower. 

Update

It’s crazy to me that I used to write all the time and I look back at the last time I wrote, and it was 2016. So much has happened in the last couple years and I continually find myself searching different blogs to express how I’ve felt and I finally decided to just write it myself. I’m at the strangest place in my life right now and I find myself so overwhelmed with where I want to be and who I want to be. But I get so caught up in that, that Im worried about who I want to be and I don’t realize that I’m missing the whole picture, I’m supposed to be who God wants me to be. I’m not here for me. The only reason I’m here is for God. God is slowly but surely showing me in the midst of this that life throws at me, it’s beautiful chaos because through it all I’m having no choice but to trust solely on God alone. Im growing as a person because I’m becoming very aware and mindful of my actions, and how my actions affect others. The past 2 years I’ve not been who I wanted to be and I’ve made a lot of choices I’m not proud of. I’ve hurt people in the process I wish I could take back, but I’ve learned through it all. I firmly believe sometimes you have to learn the hard way. And by hard way I mean falling smack dab on your face. It’s not necessarily a bad thing because I’ve grown from it. I guess that’s my whole reason in all this is that life is all about growing. We can choose to be better or bitter. Everything in life that happens, good and bad, God is molding us into who you and I are supposed to be. And through everything, we’re learning. You can’t grow if you’re still stuck on yesterday and there’s no room to grow if you’re still harboring bad feelings when you need to forgive and let go. Life is a constant adventure and there’s no need to take a rest stop and stay there or else you ain’t gonna get to where God wants you to go- you’ll just stay at the public bathroom with stale vending machine snacks. (Lolol) I think my big problem is I get nervous over on uncertainty and I’m constantly worrying if I made the right decision, and that’s not ever true because you’re where you are at this point in life because there’s a reason you’re there. - to be blessed or for you to be a blessing to someone else. I have faith I’ll get there where God wants me to be, and through the uncertainty, chaos, and everything else that is thrown at me-  I choose joy. 

Surrounded by believers

It's so important to have people who love Jesus surrounding you. It's so easy to drift away from God when you're not around people who crave him. What do you mean? I'm saying when you don't surround yourself with people who crave Jesus, it's easy to drift away from God. I've found myself in that situation. You become who you hang around. When you spend time with people you'll find yourself picking up some of their habits or some things they say. If you think about it, we've all done it or seen someone else do it. If you're not careful people can become distractions with your walk with Christ. Instead of going to church, you'll cancel and do something else because you just don't "feel like it" anymore when you used to love going. You lose interest. When you don't have people around you to encourage you to invest your time with Jesus, it's easy to drift away. By no means am I saying don't hangout with people who don't love Jesus! Always witness when the opportunity is granted! And you can be that person for someone else, just make sure you have that person for you as well.

I've been really struggling with my walk with  God lately, but thank God he picked me up! It's because of my accountability partners and my family of believers that redirected me when I had gone astray. I'm so incredibly thankful I have those people in my life. God is so good, when we aren't. He blesses us in so many ways. 

Real Christianity

This could never be said enough. When you're a true follower of Jesus, you love everyone because Jesus loves everyone. You don't always agree with every decision, but you love the person. That's the whole point in hate the sin, and love the sinner. And just incase anyone needs the reminder, we're all sinners. "For all has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23. Not trying to step on any toes, but just because you haven't done anything terrible doesn't mean you haven't sinned. All sins are the same in the eyes of God, so be compassionate for others. The only one that should be judging us is the one who got us here in the first place. Granted, we judge unconsciously. Just because you think it don't mean you have to say it out loud. I pray that God gives me eyes that see people the way he does, and believe me when I say that he answers prayers.