Let’s get vulnerable

I feel like most would say I’m generally a happy person. And I’d probably agree. Putting on a happy face for others is easy for me.  I feel like I had finally got to a point where I had conquered a lot of anxiety I had so badly struggled with. But then life got heavy all over again. I internalized everything around me. Stress got so overwhelming I wasn’t eating. Someone who struggles to gain weight, lost nearly 10 pounds in about 2 weeks. Panic attacks were becoming very often. Dry heaving driving the whole hour to work because my new medicine made me so sick. What were normal things for me became paralyzing. As if matters couldn’t get worse, I was watching someone I love die. Regret fills my mind. And I am in a relapse of everything I thought was over. In all the mess, without even realizing it, God got the back burner. 

I found myself screaming and begging God to help my unbelief. God, where are you? How did I get like this? I know you’re real, help me please. I can’t do this. Why do we all even have to be here? Why do we have to deal with losing those we love? Why can’t we all just be in heaven with you and skip all this? This SUCKS. I know I have so many people who love me and are there around me but I still I feel so alone. I don’t even know why I feel like this and why I feel everything so hard. 

I may not know what you’re going through. But I want to wrap you in a warm embrace and just whisper to you, “me too.” I know the devil wants you to feel alone. I want to encourage you to keep going. I know this is hard. One step at a time, one day at a time. Even in my breakdowns, He was still there. He was holding me and I didn’t even realize it. He’s there with you too. Please don’t lose hope.

If you were looking for a sign to keep going, this is it.

Notes from my Bible

“ I’m better on my knees than my fist at Heaven..Even here, I will see a victory” 

“I can not be mad at the only one who can fix what is broke.”

“Sometimes God’s favor is you being light in a dark place.”

“God, things have never been worse.” “Yeah but spiritually you’ve never been better”

“God, I’ve never been in this much pain” “yeah, but you’ve never been in this much prayer” 

“..don’t mismanage your circumstance” 

“God, I didn’t see this coming, I don’t like it. I didn’t see this coming, but if you want me to experience it, I’m ready.”

today

 Be kind to yourself today.

There are so many things you don’t talk about. There’s feelings that you push under the rug. 

Be gentle with yourself. 

You’re doing the best you can, even if that means just getting out of the bed. Go at your own pace. 

You’re allowed to feel what you feel. It’s okay to be sad, just don’t stay there.

Be patient with yourself, baby steps are still steps.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know right now that you may only see darkness, but God is reaching out His hand for you to grab.

God didn’t bring you this far to leave you. 

Hard times come to everyone’s door. It comes knocking, invites itself in. It comes and it wrecks you. It’ll overstay when no one even welcomed it in.

But God can use it. What the devil meant for evil God will use for good. And sometimes, it wasn’t the devil causing the hard time.

God allows hurt, pain, hard times, suffering-He uses those seasons in our lives-no it is not comfortable or something we willing want to experience- but He uses it for our own good. He is molding us more like Him. There are certain things we have to experience in our lives, that will make us change where we wouldn’t have otherwise. Sometimes we don’t learn just through reading the Bible. We learn faith by practicing it- not just reading out about. Sometimes we can only truly learn and trust God through the vehicle of suffering. 

God is not a mean God and He doesn’t want you sad. But He does want you to fully rely on Him. Not on  things and people of this world that is temporary.  The Bible tells us that Jesus suffered and we will too. 

But, take heart-Jesus has overcome this world. What you’re feeling won’t last. After a rain, there’s a rainbow. Storms only last so long. But we determine how long we stay in it. Trust God to mend those hurts. He will use even this, for His glory. Maybe someone else will face what you are currently facing and will need someone like you to help them through it. Be patient with yourself, after all He is patient with you too. He loves you and so do I. 

So for now, if all you can do is cry and scream- and you can’t even get words out to pray-know that He hears those prayers too. Keep taking it one day at a time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

One day you will tell the story of how God brought you through this. Today may not be that day, and that’s okay- but it’s coming.

Believe that there are better days ahead. Hold on to hope and faith. Cling to His garment. With Him, you can always face hard things and know He will lead you through it.

With love, 

Your sister in Christ

October 24,2020

I take a step back and look at my life at how I thought it should be. I look at how my flesh wished it would’ve been.  I wanted to be this age, with *enter materialistic thing here*. We all have our materialistic accomplishment. I have many things I wanted by a certain age. Growing up, I wanted to be 25, DONE with school (LOL), married, maybe kids, being a Sunday school teacher,  have cute little farm house that needs to be fixed up, I wanted my wedding to be with my closest friends and family there- with a mechanical bull. (This is my Dream I can have a mechanical bull if I want. Which I will have at my real wedding) I look at my life, and how you orchestrate everything so perfectly. I look at how everything I’ve been through that has led me to this point. This point where I’m done making a timeline of how I THINK my life should be. I’m done setting unrealistic standards for myself. Im done comparing my life to others. Others who seem to have it all together- (ps they don’t have it together) I’m finally at a place where I’m okay with however my life turns out. I’m confident that whatever you have planned for my life will surpass anything I could ever dream of. I know that your ways are good. I’m embracing this season that I originally looked at as a burden. Some days it still is a burden and I’m ready to scream. I can scream and cry and throw a fit if I want to, which only prolongs the process and makes me stay here longer OR I can change my perspective. I pray that God gives me a faith that is not contingent upon circumstances. I can remember that even when I can’t see it, you’re working. - and when I think that way, I can be content in where I am now. With being content, I can have joy and choose happiness- with excitement of what you have in store for me. - I’m still learning to be still. 

Obedience.

Obedience. A word that keeps popping up randomly throughout my reading, listening to sermons, or even just listening to others talk to me. If I’m being honest, a word that can make me uncomfortable and defensive at times. Choosing to make the decision to fight what my flesh and emotions truly want. It’s a constant battle to not react on my emotions. Doing the opposite of what my emotions tell me is honestly one of the hardest things to do, especially with me being the one who wears her heart on her sleeve constantly. “Hello nice to meet you! My name is Faith. You now have a piece of my heart” Is basically how I’m wired. I’m wired to love. I love to love. But sometimes my emotions are deceitful. Sometimes acting on emotions will allow me to step out of God’s will. I notice the second I take my eyes off God, I’m back to wanting an easy fix. I find myself doing what I hate. Romans 7:15 states,”For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.” Man is that true. God got me right at the heart strings. This is why it’s so important we make quiet times with God a priority. You see, I’m not born wanting to do the right thing. Naturally, I’m quick to act off selfish desires and wants. Regardless of the consequence that follows. By God’s grace and forgiveness, He saves me from myself. It’s in the stillness that we hear Him. The more time I spend with Him, He changes my heart to desire what He desires. It’s in the times when we fix our eyes on Him that walking in obedience isn’t so much a chore. I want to be at the point where I reach to God as fast as I do to my phone to call someone. One of my mentors told me that walking in obedience with God, the emotions for that will come. At first it’s an up hill battle, but now thanks to my sweet friend reminding me- I get to talk to Him, I get to walk with Him. Y’all I fail Him so much and He still chooses me. He still chooses you. It’s a hard road walking with Him. I’m not going to tell you it’s full of rainbows and butterflies, but it’s an up hill battle. And sometimes it’s hard and I want to throw in the towel. But y’all the view you see when you get there. There’s molding in the uphill trench. There’s perspectives being changed. There’s hearts being changed. There’s wisdom. There’s healing being made. There’s seeds being planted. Keep going. I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I encourage you to pause for the cause before allowing your emotions to be your first reaction to situations. Be slow to speak, quick to listen. It’s easy to jump the gun. Is what you’re upset about initially, worth saying something about or did you take it the wrong way because you had a bad day? I pray that you’re encouraged today. I pray you know how valuable you are and even if you’ve gone off track that God can meet you there and restore. He’s able. All you have to do is make the first step. Have a great day today, friends! It’s a good day to have a good day. 

Agape

Agape is defined as,”unconditional love, the highest form of love.” God’s kind of love. A love that doesn’t matter how far you’ve gone off track, I still choose you. I think about how many times I fail God and He still chooses to love me anyway. Love is definitely a choice. On my worst day, God still chooses to love me. And the closer we get to God we get to show His love to others. I pray that God gives me a heart for those that need a little extra love on their worst day. The thing is, with God, there are no conditions when it comes to His love. I don’t have to have it all together for Him to still love me. And as Christians, we should have our arms always open for someone who needs that encouragement and love, without conditions attached. When I think I about my whole reason for being placed on this earth, it’s to love. My identity is not in my job, or school, or anything of that sort-it’s to spread God’s love. Especially in this world we live in today. 

...

“So that is why I will always ask you to be real with me and not perfect. I do not want your mask. Instead, tell me about your nightmares, the memories that scream you awake, and I will love you there. Tell me about your childhood and the things you are still healing from, and I will love you there. Tell me about the parts of yourself you cannot look at without flinching, the parts of yourself you are ashamed of, the mistakes that are dotted like museum exhibits along the corridor of your spine, and I will love you there. I do not need for you to be perpetually light filled and soft for me. That is all pretend. Just come to me as you are, and I will love you as you are. I will love you in each season.”

God, this is hard.

Sometimes this is the reality of being a follower of Jesus- actually a lot of times. It’s sometimes questioning if He’s even heard you but trusting that even in the anxiousness of our thoughts still having the faith that He will come through even if it doesn’t make sense. It’s trying to do the right thing and still feeling like you can’t win for losing. It’s the times where you feel like the whole world is against you and you’re crying and saying,”God I’ve been faithful and I’m still trying to be, but this, this is hard.” It’s choosing to be obedient when everyone around you doesn’t understand and thinks you’re crazy. It’s choosing to love when someone is being unkind. It’s choosing to show grace when others say someone is undeserving. Following Jesus it’s not always easy. It’s actually not easy at all especially in the world we live in. It’s messing up and dusting yourself off in God’s love and trying again. The reality is, it’s hard. Satan knows when you’re valuable in the kingdom. He tries harder to make life difficult. But we serve a God who’s mightier, stronger, and so loving. He still chooses us when we are undeserving. He still tells me that I’m worthy of love no matter how much I fail Him. Even though some days are really hard, and this is my reality sometimes- I can rejoice even on days like this. Life will always be messy, my God loves me amongst my mess. Nothing is too messy for Him. “For you are making me like you, clothing me in white. Bringing beauty for ashes. For you will have your bride.”