Hey God, me again.

Hey God, it’s me again. 

Remember that thing I put at Your feet and picked up…again?

It’s so heavy. I didn’t mean to take it from you. I really didn’t. But in my human nature, I started worrying again. Analyzing. The what ifs got to me. Again.

Why am I like this?

Why do I keep picking it up? 

Worrying only robs me of today. A day I’ll never get back.

Even when, I can’t see it You are working. There’s so much more, that I can’t see from where I’m standing. Even if, You are still good. He still has plans for me. He loves me. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. A lot of times. 

God, I know everything I get so overwhelmed with is so much better in Your hands than in mine. 

Sometimes with how much I worry, I question my faith. But then I remember there’s so many people in the Bible just like me. 

There’s so many Bible, just like me, that with You by their side overcame. 

I believe with my whole heart He’s going to help me. And you too. 

So here I am, laying this at your feet, again. And I’ll keep re-laying it down, as many times as it takes. 

Me too, Martha

I’ve been reading through the book of Luke. This morning, the section of Mary and Martha stood out to me. I attached the scripture to this post so you could read it.

I have never in my life related to someone in the Bible as much as I did reading about Martha. 

“But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken from her.” Luke 10:41-42

Instead of running around like a chicken with her head cut off, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to His teaching. When I read that, I just thought to myself, “I would love to sit at His feet and do that.” And then it dawned on me, we still can.

Serving others as followers of Jesus is what we do! It’s part of our calling! But we have to make sure that we don’t get so caught up in doing, that we forget to spend time with our maker. I am so guilty of this. 

I need that time with Jesus. I want to hear His voice. I want and need that relationship with Him. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful day today. It’s Friday!! You are so loved. 

Accountability.

 Well, this is a first. 2 writings in one day! This is something that has been heavy on my mind lately, and I have been struggling on how to put it into words. I trust God will help me find the words as I keep typing. Something that really bothers me is when people, me included play the "blame game." I think it's about time we stop blaming EVERY bad thing in our life on the devil. He really does not deserve that much credit. He sucks. Or even yelling at God blaming Him, and demanding Him to tell you why He allowed the pain. Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives are the result of our own choices. I will agree that there is so much bad that goes on in this world that people just do not deserve. We live in a broken world and I hate all the pain people experience. BUT sometimes our own pain is from the choice we make- willingly and sometimes not meaning to. I pray that God helps you through it, even if it was the consequence of your choice. I say all of that, but I want you to know I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to tell you, stop playing the blame game. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Understand that everyone makes mistakes. The only perfect person that ever walked the earth died for me and for you. And no matter what you've done, God can use even this. Learn from it. I pray God gives you clarity and discernment. I have made so many choices that caused so much heartache. I would not wish that kind of pain on anyone but thank God He brought me here. I would not be who I am today, if I was not who I was then. He does change hearts, He is able. And honestly, it's in our pain that brings us so much closer to God. Sometimes we only learn through suffering. I know, sounds messed up. But, it's in that time of our lives, that we stop long enough to truly listen to God and we see how much He truly does love us. I remember driving home, absolutely bawling my eyes out and  SCREAMING at God and saying,"If this was your way of getting me close to you, it's really messed up." Do I still feel that way? At times I do. But I know God too well to know, that He will do whatever it takes to keep me close to Him. He loves me too much to let me live a life without Him. And He will use even my own poor choices to bring me back to Him. 

If you're reading this, read the story of the Prodigal's Son. 

No matter what you've done, just come home

Be a good memory

I shouldn’t have drank a large coffee before bed, but here I am. Haha 

I’m so big on this. None of us are promised tomorrow. One of my favorite scriptures is “Today is the day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24 

It’s so easy to lose sight of the good in each day sometimes, especially on stressful days. God, HOW on earth do I find joy with all this in my life going on? Thank God I don’t have to rely on my own strength. 

I choose to find the good in each day. Sometimes I don’t do a good job of that. A lot of times actually. I’m thankful for the ones that God has given me in my life to redirect my focus. 

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 

When I take my eyes off God, I can be grumpy and not show the love people deserve. Sometimes I don’t get to choose my circumstances, but I do get to choose whether or not I’m kind. 

I’m not on earth for my job, my education, or for my own personal gains. I’m on earth to love and show others God’s  love. Everything else comes after. 

I like me a lot better with Jesus. And my only accomplishment I’m concerned with is that I love well. Always always leave people better than you found them.

Let’s get vulnerable

I feel like most would say I’m generally a happy person. And I’d probably agree. Putting on a happy face for others is easy for me.  I feel like I had finally got to a point where I had conquered a lot of anxiety I had so badly struggled with. But then life got heavy all over again. I internalized everything around me. Stress got so overwhelming I wasn’t eating. Someone who struggles to gain weight, lost nearly 10 pounds in about 2 weeks. Panic attacks were becoming very often. Dry heaving driving the whole hour to work because my new medicine made me so sick. What were normal things for me became paralyzing. As if matters couldn’t get worse, I was watching someone I love die. Regret fills my mind. And I am in a relapse of everything I thought was over. In all the mess, without even realizing it, God got the back burner. 

I found myself screaming and begging God to help my unbelief. God, where are you? How did I get like this? I know you’re real, help me please. I can’t do this. Why do we all even have to be here? Why do we have to deal with losing those we love? Why can’t we all just be in heaven with you and skip all this? This SUCKS. I know I have so many people who love me and are there around me but I still I feel so alone. I don’t even know why I feel like this and why I feel everything so hard. 

I may not know what you’re going through. But I want to wrap you in a warm embrace and just whisper to you, “me too.” I know the devil wants you to feel alone. I want to encourage you to keep going. I know this is hard. One step at a time, one day at a time. Even in my breakdowns, He was still there. He was holding me and I didn’t even realize it. He’s there with you too. Please don’t lose hope.

If you were looking for a sign to keep going, this is it.

Notes from my Bible

“ I’m better on my knees than my fist at Heaven..Even here, I will see a victory” 

“I can not be mad at the only one who can fix what is broke.”

“Sometimes God’s favor is you being light in a dark place.”

“God, things have never been worse.” “Yeah but spiritually you’ve never been better”

“God, I’ve never been in this much pain” “yeah, but you’ve never been in this much prayer” 

“..don’t mismanage your circumstance” 

“God, I didn’t see this coming, I don’t like it. I didn’t see this coming, but if you want me to experience it, I’m ready.”

today

 Be kind to yourself today.

There are so many things you don’t talk about. There’s feelings that you push under the rug. 

Be gentle with yourself. 

You’re doing the best you can, even if that means just getting out of the bed. Go at your own pace. 

You’re allowed to feel what you feel. It’s okay to be sad, just don’t stay there.

Be patient with yourself, baby steps are still steps.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know right now that you may only see darkness, but God is reaching out His hand for you to grab.

God didn’t bring you this far to leave you. 

Hard times come to everyone’s door. It comes knocking, invites itself in. It comes and it wrecks you. It’ll overstay when no one even welcomed it in.

But God can use it. What the devil meant for evil God will use for good. And sometimes, it wasn’t the devil causing the hard time.

God allows hurt, pain, hard times, suffering-He uses those seasons in our lives-no it is not comfortable or something we willing want to experience- but He uses it for our own good. He is molding us more like Him. There are certain things we have to experience in our lives, that will make us change where we wouldn’t have otherwise. Sometimes we don’t learn just through reading the Bible. We learn faith by practicing it- not just reading out about. Sometimes we can only truly learn and trust God through the vehicle of suffering. 

God is not a mean God and He doesn’t want you sad. But He does want you to fully rely on Him. Not on  things and people of this world that is temporary.  The Bible tells us that Jesus suffered and we will too. 

But, take heart-Jesus has overcome this world. What you’re feeling won’t last. After a rain, there’s a rainbow. Storms only last so long. But we determine how long we stay in it. Trust God to mend those hurts. He will use even this, for His glory. Maybe someone else will face what you are currently facing and will need someone like you to help them through it. Be patient with yourself, after all He is patient with you too. He loves you and so do I. 

So for now, if all you can do is cry and scream- and you can’t even get words out to pray-know that He hears those prayers too. Keep taking it one day at a time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. 

One day you will tell the story of how God brought you through this. Today may not be that day, and that’s okay- but it’s coming.

Believe that there are better days ahead. Hold on to hope and faith. Cling to His garment. With Him, you can always face hard things and know He will lead you through it.

With love, 

Your sister in Christ