I feel like most would say I’m generally a happy person. And I’d probably agree. Putting on a happy face for others is easy for me. I feel like I had finally got to a point where I had conquered a lot of anxiety I had so badly struggled with. But then life got heavy all over again. I internalized everything around me. Stress got so overwhelming I wasn’t eating. Someone who struggles to gain weight, lost nearly 10 pounds in about 2 weeks. Panic attacks were becoming very often. Dry heaving driving the whole hour to work because my new medicine made me so sick. What were normal things for me became paralyzing. As if matters couldn’t get worse, I was watching someone I love die. Regret fills my mind. And I am in a relapse of everything I thought was over. In all the mess, without even realizing it, God got the back burner.
I found myself screaming and begging God to help my unbelief. God, where are you? How did I get like this? I know you’re real, help me please. I can’t do this. Why do we all even have to be here? Why do we have to deal with losing those we love? Why can’t we all just be in heaven with you and skip all this? This SUCKS. I know I have so many people who love me and are there around me but I still I feel so alone. I don’t even know why I feel like this and why I feel everything so hard.
I may not know what you’re going through. But I want to wrap you in a warm embrace and just whisper to you, “me too.” I know the devil wants you to feel alone. I want to encourage you to keep going. I know this is hard. One step at a time, one day at a time. Even in my breakdowns, He was still there. He was holding me and I didn’t even realize it. He’s there with you too. Please don’t lose hope.
If you were looking for a sign to keep going, this is it.
