Search Me, O God, And Know My Heart

I’ve caught myself re-reading Psalm 139. 

This chapter as a whole displays God’s heart to us in such a beautiful way. I write in my Bible a lot and I circle different parts that stand out to me. A part I circled was “…even there your hand shall lead me…” in verse 10. He knows every situation we’re in (good and bad). He knows our thoughts, heart, and He knows what we’re about to say before we even say it. That is so comforting. 

He knows. 

And even there, in that situation that you may not want to be in, whether that be physically, emotionally, or mentally- He knows and He is there with you. He sympathizes with us. He understands. He cares. 

Another couple verses that has specifically stood out to me are,

   ”Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there by any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” Psalm 139:23-24 

I have made a conscious effort, and personal goal, to be mindful of my words. I think it’s easy to be upset and frustrated about things and speak out of hurt. (We are all guilty of that). But, words can never be taken back. Our words we speak show what is going on in our heart. 

“…for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” Luke 6:45 

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Proverbs 18:21

A good friend of mine and I were talking yesterday, and we were discussing about being more mindful of things and holding each other accountable with things in life. I thinks it’s easy to be upset about things and try to find people who agree with us-even when we’re in the wrong on things. 

My prayer for my life is to surround myself with those who will hold me accountable and love me enough to be honest with me with truth even if it’s not what I want to hear. I pray God helps me have eyes to see people the way He does and a heart to love those as He does and extend grace- even to people who are unkind. To give me a forgiving heart. To speak life, use my words to build others up. To not be so quick to be angry and to be quick to listen and to be understanding. 

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” Luke 6:27-29

07.16.2022

 Here lately, I felt like I have constantly been going through the motions. I do not feel like me at all. I am so burnt out. The simple responsibilities for each day have felt so hard. The busyness of life is so exhausting!

 Anyone else feel like that lately?

 I feel numb about everything. My mind has been a constant warzone and I can not even think straight. 

I have so much to do. Due dates are staring me down. I can not find the energy. I want to sleep. I want to curl in a ball and cry. 

I am being pulled in a thousand different directions. I don't seem to know how to tell people no. 

I've been irritable. 

Thinking about the future makes me want to cry and brings even more anxiety into the mix of it all.

I'm tired. I just want a good night's rest where I sleep...through the entire night. 

Isn't this how the devil wants us to feel, though?? Constantly on Edge.

I'm getting gray hairs and I am not even 30 yet!

Jesus take the wheel literally because I can't handle it.

My counselor told me some of the best advice. It has stuck to me and ever since she told me, everything in my mind clicked. 

Our lives are meant to be like a scroll laid before us and it should unravel each day. Maybe that's why I get extremely overwhelmed and anxious when I think about my future-because I am not supposed to know. I can not sit here and tell you where I will be in the next 5 years. I have no idea. I have so much comfort in telling you that I HAVE NO IDEA. And I am so happy with that. I will be wherever God has me with who He has me with. I love that. It doesn't seem so scary that He is already there no matter what my tomorrows hold. I take each day as it comes. That is literally all I can do or I find myself going crazy. 

Another thing I have noticed, I have to set boundaries. These are for your protection and those around you. It is NECESSARY! It may make people uncomfortable. Those are not your people.

-These are my boundaries. This is what I am okay with. This is what I am not okay with. OR being honest when you are not in a good head space. I have had to tell people before when I have not been in a good head space to handle something or when I have had an off day- Your people will understand! 

These are things I have learned that have helped me. I don't know where you are. But my mind has been all over the place lately. I pray wherever you are at in your life that God gives you the strength to push through your hard days. Your best is always enough. You're not stuck. It may feel that way right now, but I assure you, you're not. One day at a time. One hour, one minute. Take each day as it comes. It won't always feel this way. 

Hey God, me again.

Hey God, it’s me again. 

Remember that thing I put at Your feet and picked up…again?

It’s so heavy. I didn’t mean to take it from you. I really didn’t. But in my human nature, I started worrying again. Analyzing. The what ifs got to me. Again.

Why am I like this?

Why do I keep picking it up? 

Worrying only robs me of today. A day I’ll never get back.

Even when, I can’t see it You are working. There’s so much more, that I can’t see from where I’m standing. Even if, You are still good. He still has plans for me. He loves me. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that. A lot of times. 

God, I know everything I get so overwhelmed with is so much better in Your hands than in mine. 

Sometimes with how much I worry, I question my faith. But then I remember there’s so many people in the Bible just like me. 

There’s so many Bible, just like me, that with You by their side overcame. 

I believe with my whole heart He’s going to help me. And you too. 

So here I am, laying this at your feet, again. And I’ll keep re-laying it down, as many times as it takes. 

Me too, Martha

I’ve been reading through the book of Luke. This morning, the section of Mary and Martha stood out to me. I attached the scripture to this post so you could read it.

I have never in my life related to someone in the Bible as much as I did reading about Martha. 

“But the Lord answered her, ‘Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken from her.” Luke 10:41-42

Instead of running around like a chicken with her head cut off, Mary sat at the feet of Jesus and listened to His teaching. When I read that, I just thought to myself, “I would love to sit at His feet and do that.” And then it dawned on me, we still can.

Serving others as followers of Jesus is what we do! It’s part of our calling! But we have to make sure that we don’t get so caught up in doing, that we forget to spend time with our maker. I am so guilty of this. 

I need that time with Jesus. I want to hear His voice. I want and need that relationship with Him. 

I hope everyone has a wonderful day today. It’s Friday!! You are so loved. 

Accountability.

 Well, this is a first. 2 writings in one day! This is something that has been heavy on my mind lately, and I have been struggling on how to put it into words. I trust God will help me find the words as I keep typing. Something that really bothers me is when people, me included play the "blame game." I think it's about time we stop blaming EVERY bad thing in our life on the devil. He really does not deserve that much credit. He sucks. Or even yelling at God blaming Him, and demanding Him to tell you why He allowed the pain. Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives are the result of our own choices. I will agree that there is so much bad that goes on in this world that people just do not deserve. We live in a broken world and I hate all the pain people experience. BUT sometimes our own pain is from the choice we make- willingly and sometimes not meaning to. I pray that God helps you through it, even if it was the consequence of your choice. I say all of that, but I want you to know I'm not here to judge you. I'm here to tell you, stop playing the blame game. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Understand that everyone makes mistakes. The only perfect person that ever walked the earth died for me and for you. And no matter what you've done, God can use even this. Learn from it. I pray God gives you clarity and discernment. I have made so many choices that caused so much heartache. I would not wish that kind of pain on anyone but thank God He brought me here. I would not be who I am today, if I was not who I was then. He does change hearts, He is able. And honestly, it's in our pain that brings us so much closer to God. Sometimes we only learn through suffering. I know, sounds messed up. But, it's in that time of our lives, that we stop long enough to truly listen to God and we see how much He truly does love us. I remember driving home, absolutely bawling my eyes out and  SCREAMING at God and saying,"If this was your way of getting me close to you, it's really messed up." Do I still feel that way? At times I do. But I know God too well to know, that He will do whatever it takes to keep me close to Him. He loves me too much to let me live a life without Him. And He will use even my own poor choices to bring me back to Him. 

If you're reading this, read the story of the Prodigal's Son. 

No matter what you've done, just come home

Be a good memory

I shouldn’t have drank a large coffee before bed, but here I am. Haha 

I’m so big on this. None of us are promised tomorrow. One of my favorite scriptures is “Today is the day the LORD has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24 

It’s so easy to lose sight of the good in each day sometimes, especially on stressful days. God, HOW on earth do I find joy with all this in my life going on? Thank God I don’t have to rely on my own strength. 

I choose to find the good in each day. Sometimes I don’t do a good job of that. A lot of times actually. I’m thankful for the ones that God has given me in my life to redirect my focus. 

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 

When I take my eyes off God, I can be grumpy and not show the love people deserve. Sometimes I don’t get to choose my circumstances, but I do get to choose whether or not I’m kind. 

I’m not on earth for my job, my education, or for my own personal gains. I’m on earth to love and show others God’s  love. Everything else comes after. 

I like me a lot better with Jesus. And my only accomplishment I’m concerned with is that I love well. Always always leave people better than you found them.

Let’s get vulnerable

I feel like most would say I’m generally a happy person. And I’d probably agree. Putting on a happy face for others is easy for me.  I feel like I had finally got to a point where I had conquered a lot of anxiety I had so badly struggled with. But then life got heavy all over again. I internalized everything around me. Stress got so overwhelming I wasn’t eating. Someone who struggles to gain weight, lost nearly 10 pounds in about 2 weeks. Panic attacks were becoming very often. Dry heaving driving the whole hour to work because my new medicine made me so sick. What were normal things for me became paralyzing. As if matters couldn’t get worse, I was watching someone I love die. Regret fills my mind. And I am in a relapse of everything I thought was over. In all the mess, without even realizing it, God got the back burner. 

I found myself screaming and begging God to help my unbelief. God, where are you? How did I get like this? I know you’re real, help me please. I can’t do this. Why do we all even have to be here? Why do we have to deal with losing those we love? Why can’t we all just be in heaven with you and skip all this? This SUCKS. I know I have so many people who love me and are there around me but I still I feel so alone. I don’t even know why I feel like this and why I feel everything so hard. 

I may not know what you’re going through. But I want to wrap you in a warm embrace and just whisper to you, “me too.” I know the devil wants you to feel alone. I want to encourage you to keep going. I know this is hard. One step at a time, one day at a time. Even in my breakdowns, He was still there. He was holding me and I didn’t even realize it. He’s there with you too. Please don’t lose hope.

If you were looking for a sign to keep going, this is it.